They all tell me that it was probably a traumatic event in my life that caused it, they try to make me remember things that never happened; all so they could explain to me how you came about when I was 14.
You were that thief in the night, as the cliché goes, taking away that little girl who loved gymnastics and occasionally liked to dress up as if she was a contestant in one of those kiddie pageants. You turned that bright little girl into a morose, paranoid, room-locking pre-teen, and what they thought was a stage extended well into my adulthood.
You made the people around me all possible suspects to crimes that were only happening in my head, made that sack of garbage by the stairs leading to the sidewalk of my building a crouching assailant, every bump in the night a horror story in the making (since no thanks to you too, I am a very light sleeper.)
I try to put a face to you, and I want to shake you furiously and ask you over and over what made you want to come into my life and manipulate how I interact with not just other people, but with myself.
I want to punch at you, cry out, cuss all I want, but I imagine you will just look at me coolly and accept the blows I give you, but behind your look you are plotting unimaginable pain against me.
Amazingly, there are a few good people I’ve fought you tooth and nail for, and they’re fighting valiantly by my side to try to get us to understand you and why you are doing what you do to my mind and my body.
The medication and the therapy also help me to cope with what you are doing to me, but I know the fight has got to come from deeper within me.
I know that some days, it takes all I have to even just step out of the shower, after I’ve over-analyzed every possible scenario of how badly my day might go. But on some days, I am able to push the cloud you try so hard to blow into my face, because I am excited to be in the sunshine, and if I’m extra lucky, to be in the sea as well.
I guess I just wanted to say that I am slowly understanding how to take you by the horns, and I want to tell you that I am not afraid of you.