I got married early. It’s not so bad. Sort of.
I’ve always imagined marriage to be the kind that TV sitcoms like to rehash every now and then when they think we haven’t noticed: the adorably goofy husband, the bratty children, and “the suck it up, let’s do this, we’re in it together for the long haul” wife who always manages to have the house in order at the end of every episode.
I imagined that I would successfully take on the role of that TV wife and while I would be exasperated at the antics of my kids, my husband would never be more trouble than he’s worth.
But I am reeling and gasping for air at the real situation of it all.
Don’t get me wrong, my husband and I were able to get our degrees and all that, but where I’m from, it doesn’t always guarantee a stable future.
We then found out I was pregnant, and we did the honorable thing to do – we got married.
I admit, I was confident at the time that we would be able to turn to our parents for initial support, apart from the little we had both saved as a couple. But what we didn’t account for was sickness, and inevitably, death in the family that would leave me and the hubby pretty much on our own.
We have two beautiful girls who I adore so much, but I cannot help feeling sometimes that this is not what I am supposed to be: Married, that is.
The children I am fine with, but putting up with the husband often feels like dead weight.
I was the one who found him a job, I had to instruct him how to manage the little property his mother left us, and I cannot even depend on him to watch the kids!
During these tense moments, I try as much as I can to remember the reasons I fell in love with him in the first place, but when the reality of adulthood hits, I want to hit back, and unfortunately it just might be directed at the husband.
It doesn’t help that old flames are still contacting me, thanks to social media (I can see you rolling your eyes, I need it for my work, okay?) and I can see how they are becoming successful: building themselves up, traveling frequently, just experiencing their late 20’s to the fullest.
Others, like myself, are married and have families of our own, but I catch myself thinking: Is this all that I’ll be? Somebody’s wife? Somebody’s mom?
Am I going to be stuck in this cycle of trying to earn enough to get by for myself and my kids, while my husband is still trying to build himself up?
I feel stuck. I am getting tired. I am getting impatient. I am getting jealous.
I do not know when these feelings will ebb.
But I look at my girls and try to trudge on.